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Express It | Solving All Your Problems

Dear ExpressIt,

I’ve moved away from home for the first time with my friend from home and am finding my housemate really annoying. It’s just this one guy, he’s insufferable. He plays his terrible music really loudly the entire time and he never cleans up after himself. He does nothing but play computer games all day and night and on top of all this a couple days ago I walked in on him ‘pleasuring himself’. He really creeps me out. What should I do about it? –  DisgustedHousemate

He says: You played the roommate lottery and you lost. It’s a cruel mistress of a game which ends either brilliantly or disastrous. Gotta be honest when you mentioned the loud music I automatically pictured Fr. Stack sitting in the corner smoking, listening to jungle drum & bass. I know people who have become great friends with randomers they moved in with and also friends who had a year of awkwardness. One friend of mine lived with a guy who would scream ‘YOU DONT DESERVE A CHAIR!!’ at you when he was drunk. Now that sh*t got awkward. I have had my own experiences of bad housemates. I am a bit of a neat freak but the guy I lived with last year was a disgrace for any human being. There were bits of him left all over the house and he never cleaned anything. He also had a special knack for turning his room in a mouldy jizz covered dungeon. I swear on my life entire walls turned black and there was a circle of mould on the wall where his head would be when he slept. So if you’re only dealing with a few plates be grateful. As for the whole ‘pleasuring himself’ incident you have to get down off your high horse. Firstly you should have knocked AND waited for a reply. Secondly stop acting as if you don’t do it too, we all know you and the shower head have had some good times. My advice to you would be use the power of numbers. There is two of you and only one of him and as long as your friend doesn’t secretly have a disturbing crush on this guy ye should be able to make him do what ye want through the power of democracy. If he continues to take the piss with the dishes throw them into his room, he will have to deal with them then. And for the music just take the fuses out of the plugs. Simple but effective.

She says: Listen hun, it is a fact of college life that you will end up with an awkward housemate at some point in your reign as a student. You need to grow up a little bit, princess, and realise that you’re not at home under the careful care and attention of mammy dearest. I suppose you are a perfect housemate? You wash up instantly, play music that every housemate likes, clean every surface of the house? It’s unfortunate for you that he may not like the same music as you. Not everyone can follow the charts as meticulously as you. Heaven forbid you are exposed to something not so audibly mainstream. Have you asked him to clean up around the house? Is it really a mess or is your OCD acting up again? Sweetie, how does him staying in his room playing video games affect you exactly? Is it because you thought you deserved all his attention given that you are obviously the desire of every hot blooded male. If you dislike him so much, encourage this game playing. The more games he plays the less time he will spend in you presence. And babes, you catching him “pleasuring himself”, as you so quaintly put it, was equally if not more embarrassing for him than you. So here’s what I propose, encourage the video games, ignore the privacy intrusion incident, play your music louder and keep your own dishes separate from his.

Dear ExpressIt,

There is this girl I really like and I overheard her mention that she only likes big rugby guys. I am not exactly blessed when it comes to my physical attributes so I decided to hit the gym. I have been going the whole time but it’s not making any difference. Should I just give up or keep going? Any advice would be great. – SkinnyBoy

He says: Before you do anything you have to learn a few things. Firstly if you are trying to get bigger just to get a girl it will more than likely never happen. The only way you will change is if you want to do it for yourself. Also you probably don’t have a clue what you’re doing in the gym. Ask the people working there for advice, believe it or not they kind of know what they are talking about. And remember the key to getting bigger is eating. Eat a ridiculous amount of food. Eat so much food that you would feel embarrassed if a homeless person was watching you. Secondly you are wasting your time if you think this chick will like you the same way you like her if you’re bigger. If you are going after women like this then I wouldn’t be too worried about not getting her as the average girl in UCC is a shallow creature who goes out looking for one thing, a filthy steamy night, just as bad as most guys if not worse. So just head out, be confident and find one of these majestic women on an average night out. If you are happy with the way you look at the moment then don’t bother going to the gym. It’s a tough task changing yourself in the gym and takes a lot of dedication; you will just end up wasting your time if you don’t really want to change. If you’re not happy then do it for yourself, not some shallow wench.

She says: I completely agree with this girl you love. There is nothing worse than a scrawny, feeble excuse for a man. Men are meant to have muscles. Men are meant to be stronger than women. Do you honestly think that any woman is going to want to be around a man who is smaller than her? I don’t think so. You’ve heard her even say that she loves rugger buggers, so here’s what you have to do. You need to man up, stop being such a pussy and bulk up. Do whatever it takes. Go to the gym seven days a week. Eat nothing but those protein shakes. Heck, steroids are a great cheat so I hear. If you want to have any chance of getting with this girl you need to go all out on this transformation. Don’t mind what other people might tell you about not changing yourself for anyone but yourself. Bullshit! If changing yourself is going to get you what you want then that is what you have to do. The reason it’s not working is because you’re clearly not trying hard enough. Do you really want this girl? Yes? Then why are you wasting your time by taking up my precious time when you should be downing a protein shake while simultaneously running on a treadmill while doing weights. Get off your ass you skinny, lonely man.