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European Leaders to David Cameron: “You Can’t Sit With Us”

British Prime Minister, David Cameron, has been refused his request to sit with other European leaders during their lunchbreak in Brussels due to his stance on EU policy in the UK.

Cameron, who will seek a referendum on whether or not Britain should remain within the EU before the end of 2017, is rumoured to have retired to a toilet cubicle for the remainder of the break. Sources at 10 Downing Street have allegedly described the EU collectively as “life ruiners”, elaborating: “they ruin peoples’ lives.”

These rumours follow a speech by Mr. Cameron at Chatham House, in which he claimed that “emotional” ties would not be enough to keep Britain within the European Union. Among Mr. Cameron’s demands were the ability to restrict benefits for migrants, and to see improvements in competitiveness, which were laid out in a letter sent to the President of the European Council. The European Commission has since agreed to open talks with Britain, adding that they wished to prove that the EU was “not just a regular Union, we’re a cool Union.”

A member of Cameron’s cabinet has since spoken anonymously on the subject of what media outlets are dubbing ‘the Brexit’, in a bid to explain the reasoning behind the Tories’ wishes.

“We wish we could all get along like we used to after World War Two. We wish we could bake a cake filled with rainbows and smiles and everyone would eat and be happy,” they stated, “and frankly, Eurovision isn’t enough anymore.”

With regards to the lunchroom incident in Brussels, it is alleged that Enda Kenny was among the leaders present. Kenny has previously expressed concern at the prospect of the Brexit, and it is believed that he may have had a leading role to play in the shunning. Reliable sources have alleged that An Taoiseach has been known to claim that Mr. Cameron “made out with a hot dog” (although recent scandals would suggest he has gone further).

Kenny himself has just shaken off rumours of a conflict with Greece, after a poor-quality YouTube video surfaced of a figure believed to be Mr. Kenny saying: “If only you knew how mean Greece really is. Yeah, two years ago they told me economic crises were their thing, and I wasn’t allowed to claim to have one anymore. And then for the budget, my ministers had some really good ideas about raising taxes for the rich, but Greece had already done it, so it wasn’t cool anymore.” The international community has expressed their desire for David Cameron to sit at their respective tables in, for example, the lunchrooms of the United Nations, but the Prime Minister is “likely to just want to forget about the whole thing”, according to spectators.