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Dutch Courage | Úna Farrell

Deputy Features Editor Úna Farrell examines the difficult stages of drinking.

     Alcohol, in whatever form, does very specific things. It lowers your inhibitions, increases your confidence, basically it makes you act and do things you wouldn’t normally. For those of you who drink, the stages below will sound all too familiar. For those who don’t drink, this is what you’re missing out on.

1) Tipsy – This is a good stage of being drunk. You’ve pre drank and are merrily on your way to town. You are nothing but happy and feel as if nothing could make your mood change. You are nothing but excited for the possibilities of the night ahead.  This stage is usually marked by a lot of giggling (and that’s just the boys!)

2) Energy – Fuelled by too many Red Bull laced jager bombs and the anticipation of finding the shift, you hit the dance floor. You now possess moves to envy that of the Step Up cast. Shoving your way through the crowded dance floor, elbowing all those less talented dancers out of the way because, of course, you LOVE this song.

3) Extreme Emotion – This stage usually come after that one-shot-too-many. The emotions expressed can range from crying to uncontrollable laughter. The drunken criers will cry if someone looks at them funny. The lovers have decided that they love everyone in the club and they must all be made aware of this. The aggressive ones will find fault in anything said or done to them and will more than likely end up in a fight. The friendlies will make a new best friend for life in the toilet queue. High strung emotions are a given when drinking.

4) The Score – The blood pumping in your veins is now spiked with alcohol and the adrenaline is high. The confidence of the alcohol has you now thinking you are thee hottest person in the club. You approach that guy/girl whose eye you caught across the crowded and smoky dance floor. With your new confidence found at the bottom of a naggin you are definitely going to score. Shift on my young drunken friend because you’ll never get a boyfriend/girlfriend while sober- you’re far too shy.

5) Regrets – This is the stage in the night when you are likely to do something stupid. You have definitely drunk too much. This is where fights with the bouncers occur. This is where phones/ID’s/dignities are lost. This is the drunken shift of your friend’s younger brother. This is the drunken messages and phone calls made at 3am outside Hillbilly’s. The effects of this stage are not felt until the next morning, where hungover heads hang in shame all around college.

6) The End – The end of your glorious night with alcohol can go two ways.

6a) The toilet – For those fortunate of you to make it to the bathroom: meet your new friend, the toilet bowl. Clutching this porcelain haven you retch up that wonderful cocktail of alcoholic beverages which have led you to this low point. In between retching you sob self-pityingly into the echoes of the shower wondering why you do this to yourself. As you crawl back to your bed in a drunken stooper you vow to never drink again.

6b) The Walk of Shame – Technically not a stage of drunkenness but hungover action. The nights drinking and merriment has led you to the bed of another. You dawg! However the confidence of drink has more than worn off, in its place is a hangover, shame and a panic of how to get home. Guys have little problem here. Girls: a very different story. Fix that hair and makeup as much as possible. Heels in hand and short skirt pulled down to cover your decency, walk home with your head held high. Revel in the wolf whistles and shouts of approval. This is the price you pay for your night of debauchery. Scurry home you dirty stop-out!