A shocking announcement was made this morning by the White House’s Press Officer. The spokesman, yes, I’m allowed say man, you SJW’s. We all know Trump doesn’t hire nor respect women who wear clothes. The announcement, written by the President himself, started off in a typical manner, “My fellow white American males, three years ago your bigotry, hatred of women and love of massive, debt inducing walls to keep non-Caucasians out, elected me, Donald J. Trump as your President. Donald J. Trump is a god. I consider my health, stamina and strength as one of my greatest assets. The world has watched me for many, many years cause I am important, and they can so testify, great genes! And don’t let anyone tell you different!”
Those last couple of lines are real quotes from the Tangerine tambourine himself, the man writes his own parody lines – he’s driving shit joke writers like me out of business for fuck sake. Donate to my Patreon to get exclusive insider footage of me eating out of the UCC bins to stay alive, I’ll do anything for food.
Trump’s speech suddenly took a hostile tone as he turned his tirade on the brave staff of the University Express.
“Believe me, I have many, many friends that get away with murder, treason, embezzling, sexual assault…” The president continued for some time. “But you guys, the liberal left press, you guys okay, you guys are the real criminals. You guys are the enemy of the people. A lot of people are saying it. People are telling me the Express is crooked and corrupt. Now I didn’t want to believe it, but I’ve seen the numbers with my own eyes and everybody’s talking about it. You guys are corrupt”
“Not gonna happen okay? You guys aren’t gonna get readers because of me. Donald J. Trump is not your ladder to fame okay, attack me and I will win. Every time, okay. Believe me okay, I’ve offended everyone there is to offend. The Blacks, the whites, the women, the Latinos, that one disabled writer (EDITOR’S NOTE: not Aaron) and all the colours of the rainbow I’ve banned from entering America. Okay? Believe me, I’ll send the drones, I’ll bring the noise. Donald J. Trump is the noise. Can you hear me? You guys, you guys are out of control. It is a new year, and a new me. Donald J. Trump is reborn, like every year, and the new me is even better than old Donald Trump, if that’s possible. Believe me, Donald J. Trump is America and frankly, frankly it needs Donald Trump. America needs Trump okay?”
Trump ended his speech by asking his followers to read Motley, a well-known subsidiary of Fox News.
Thank Christ we live in Ireland where nothing political actually bloody matters, except Michael D’s dog.