Long-known to be the coldest, most self-obsessed species of the animal kingdom, it came as no surprise to anyone this week that Donald Trump has been confirmed to be a cat.
Vice President Pence and many of the Trump administration have now openly admitted to knowing that the newly-elected president of the United States was, in fact, a large orange tabby cat operating from within a human suit all along. The human suit, made from 250lbs of latex to give the president that characteristic and undeniably convincing ‘pudgy old man’ look, became the Tabby-Trump’s downfall as it became unbearably hot moving into the spring/summer months.
“Well, I guess I always knew, somehow,” revealed Ted Banks, a Washington D.C. civilian. “That specific tiger-orange tint was a dead giveaway, not to mention the complete lack of knowledge of like… law, current affairs, international relations, history, that kind of stuff.”
Political science scholars across the world are said to be pleased with the recent news, as they now have an explanation as to how such an incompetent candidate could be elected to one of the most powerful positions in the world, despite there being plenty of more experienced candidates also eligible for the post: “Cats are known for their superhuman powers of manipulation. Honestly, the American people just didn’t stand a chance. It’s clear that this tabby cat [whose real name has recently been revealed to be Tibbles McTabbyson] is a true genius. He converted the usual false feline promises of love and affection into jobs, prosperity and some vague concept of greatness, and played us all for fools, just like millions of cat owners out there.”
Trump’s feline nature has been the perfect explanation for much of his bizarre behaviour. Naturally, the president’s understanding of the word ‘pussy’ was limited, and his suspicious and xenophobic ways match that of many cats across the world. One cat owner, John Wilson, said that the discovery has made him more fond of his country’s president than ever: “He’s just like my little guy at home! Toby- he’s a tabby, like Trump, and I have to say his domestic policy-” he winks at me, “is just like Trump’s too. He won’t let anyone into our house without a scrutinous inspection, and between you and me…” he whispers, “he’s kinda racist too.”
It seems the cat is well and truly out of the bag for President Trump, but it seems that his stay in the Oval Office may be of short duration anyway. It is rumoured that the President is distinctly unhappy with the amount of work to be done, and is also displeased with the severe lack of cardboard boxes and “sunny spots, you know, for napping and such” in the White House.