Speed stackers around the globe were delighted with last week’s announcement that speed stacking (or just cup stacking, to you and me) is to be made an official Olympic sport for the 2020 Tokyo Olympics.
The announcement was made by the International Olympic Committee (IOC) last Thursday, who say they are hopeful that the introduction of speed stacking as an official Olympic sport will make sport and physical activity “more accessible for the unathletic types.” This statement comes from the president of the IOC, Thomas Bach, who says he is delighted that the world of exercise is becoming more broad and inclusive of all ability levels.
Speed stacking is a fast-paced sport which involves stacking a set amount of plastic cups in specific sequences in as little time as possible.Though it does not involve as much agility as athletics, as much strength as weight-lifting, as much strategy as martial arts, or really as much skill as any of the other official Olympic sports, Bach said in his statement that “really, we just need something to even the playing field. Something the Yanks and the Russians aren’t insanely good at yet.” This was met by vigorous nods from all in attendance at the press conference.
The decision to include speed stacking as one of the newly-accepted sports comes as a result of its surge in popularity across the globe in recent years. Touted by middle-aged women everywhere to be a ‘life-saver’ for eradicating bingo wings and heralded as the beginning of the end for childhood obesity, representatives for the sport of speed stacking in the IOC said that it was the obvious choice: “We had some stiff competition from the table tennis lads, who wanted to receive more funding in lieu of adding a new sport to the Olympic lineup. They were really pushing that 80s retro vibe, y’know? But, we knew we’d beat them in the end because, let’s be honest here, does table tennis really count as a sport?”
All 206 competing Olympic nations were invited to send two delegates to the IOC headquarters in Lausanne, Switzerland to try out the newest speed stacking craze. There’s a congenial, friendly atmosphere in the air as beginner athletes from all corners of the globe compete together, laughing at their failed attempts to stack their cups. That is, until Chinese competitor Xi Chan takes his place and effortlessly creates pyramids of 3, 6, and even 10 cups, each in under 1.5 seconds. Sources present at the time claim to have heard President Bach hiss to another IOC representative: “Fuck, we forgot about the Chinese.”
Undoubtedly, it seems as though speed stacking is set to be one of the most-viewed sporting events of the Tokyo 2020 Olympics, surpassing even athletics, swimming and diving. Athletes are said to be flocking to speed stacking clubs around the world in order to gain an edge on their new found passion and be eligible to represent their nation at the 2020 games. One newbie speed stacker, Aaron McGuillan, former swimmer for the Irish national team, said of his decision to change to competing in speed stacking: “I am in my fuck training 6 days a week to get gold in the 400m butterfly when I can literally do a tenth of the work for the same result.”
It looks as if Ireland has found its new generation of medal-winning athletes in one of the world’s most dynamic new sports. Move over Katie Taylor! You too, McIlroy – but to be fair, you never did much for us, anyway.