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Corkalonia – Cork follows Catalonia in declaring independence

The historic vote for Catalonian independence from Spain earlier this month has had widespread ramifications all over the world, and even some here, at home in Ireland. Spurred on by the actions of the Catalonian people, an innate superiority complex and a fear of river water, the city of Cork has vowed to follow suit and vote for its independence from Ireland.

“We just know we’re class like,” The Lord Mayor of Cork said, in a rousing speech this morning on Patricks street, “The best people, the best accent, like. And we just want to get there before Dublin do, the stupid pricks! We have a Wetherspoons too, you know. Cork for independence, boy!” The crowd responded enthusiastically, burning Dublin jerseys and throwing hurls towards the sky.

The day of the vote arrived, and the streets of Cork were tense to say the least. Riot police sent down specially from Dublin, the pricks, stood guard at every polling station, as Leo Varadkar had taken time out of his busy schedule of being totes adorbs with Canadian Prime minister Justin Trudeau to call the vote “illegal”. The battle lines were set. The city was silent, every man, woman, and child waiting to see who the first person to break would be. The silence was suddenly broken by a heroic war cry – “ECHO!” The brave echo man stumbled past the police line, and all hell broke loose. The violence lasted all day, stopping only briefly for lunch and at 6 for the Angelus.

When the dust had settled, the votes weren’t the only things that had to be counted. Injuries on both sides numbered in their hundreds. The wounded who poured into Cork University Hospital received a hero’s welcome. “I’m so proud of my fellow Corkies,” Head Surgeon, Martina Reilly said tearfully, “They were so brave, fighting for their freedom like that. They’re going to get the best treatment. Anything they want. Anything! Except a bed. But who needs one of those anyway?”

The vote was conclusive. 125,000 “Yeah, boiis” to 657 “Nah kiids”. It was settled. Cork was to be independent.

The Irish government went into full damage control mode, begging anyone to ask them about abortion or homelessness, but their attempts at deflection wouldn’t work, all anyone wanted to know was, “What are we going to do about Cork?” After months of being hounded by the press and the people of Ireland, Leo finally made his way to the now sovereign nation of Cork.

Meeting with former Mayor of Cork city, now president of Corkalonia, Tony Fitzgerald, Varadkar begged and pleaded for Cork to come home. “I’ve changed,” An Taoiseach sobbed, “I appreciate you more now. Just come back to us, we’ll treat you right this time. No more games, I swear. We miss you. We…we…love you.” Fitzgerald stood strong, though, telling the Taoiseach that they were done, and for good this time.

A state of emergency was declared, and Bono was flown in to try to broker some sort of deal. Bono entered Cork City hall at noon. No press were allowed to record the meeting that took place, but some speculate Bono spent most of the time trying to shill U2’s new album, and to see if there were any tax breaks the new country could offer him. Whatever was said in there, we may never know. What we do know is that just before one o’clock, Bono was chased out of the building, and flung into the river lee by a gang of patriotic Corkonians. Bono is still missing today. No one really cares.

Bolstered by the success of their secession from Ireland, Corkalonia decided to secede from the world at large, because nowhere is better than Cork. Cork City is a now floating space station somewhere in orbit above us. A date had been set for the next referendum; whether Cork should be independent from The Milky Way Galaxy. More to follow.