Express Tries: Fighting a Bouncer

While speaking to a friend the other day, I was given a revelation. We spoke about the trials and tribulations of nights out, lamenting the tragedy of being underage in Cork. I’m twenty now, but given that the age of entry for most places in Cork is as unpredictable and endlessly fluctuating as the stock…

Pint Glass Theft on the Rise

The Gardaí have reported that pint glass theft is now at an all-time high. Threat levels were raised to level Rebel Red in response to the recent surge in pint glass pilfering. Sergeant Murphy, of the Banter Buster Unit located near Bridewell Garda Station, had this to say: “I am sick of all you little…

Operation Two Birds One Stone

After months of debating, planning and ducking the question, The Irish Government, today revealed their plan to deal with the growing homeless crisis. “Sick of people freezing to death on our streets?” The Taoiseach asked outside the Dáil earlier this month, “Sick of wind and rain and having to wear extra layers? Don’t worry, I’ve…

McGregorism Named Ireland’s Hottest New Religion

Following the meteoric rise of world renowned man-wrangler Conor McGregor, a cult-like worship has sprung up around Ireland, and today that cult has been officially recognised as Ireland’s main religion. At a ceremony this morning the young disciples of Saint McGregor turned up in their droves. Fuelled by their love for a muscly man who…

Fresher Apathetic About The Fifteen

A first year student has confirmed that they absolutely do not care about the ‘Fresher’s Fifteen’. In an exclusive interview with The Express, Sam Twomey, first year Arts, revealed that they truly do not give toss about the traditional college weight gain, and reportedly has no plans to start eating healthily or working out. “A…

Rare Female Enjoys Music

Hundreds of males were astonished today by a “rare sighting” of a female who actually listened to the band whose t-shirt she wore. The female, reported by enthusiasts and your mcm alike to be “extremely endangered”, was spotted this morning outside Boole 4 wearing a t-shirt for band ‘The Strokes’. She was immediately sprang upon…

Students Under Threat: Climate Change

It has been reported that in 2017, more students have been under threat from climate change than ever before. As temperatures begin to rapidly decline in these winter months, young people are complaining in their thousands that it is just too fucking cold, and many report that they have already exceed the maximum amount of…