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Category: Humour

Horoscopes, brought to you by Sirius Speculation

By Sirius Speculation   Posted in Byline Humour
Posted on April 11, 2019April 10, 2019

Aries: You are going to pull a monumental whitey. Taurus: That person you’ve been shagging on and off since rag is ending it with you this week. Only then will you realise the extent of your feelings. The cure? Their roommate. Gemini: Your dry spout and overall misery will end. You’ll end the academic year…

The Immaculate Infection

By Callum Casey   Posted in Byline Humour
Posted on April 11, 2019April 10, 2019

The people of the world, believers and non-believers alike, were stunned today as evidence for the existence of God was finally confirmed, thanks to one blessed UCC student. Numerous Reports account how the holy evening in question unfolded. Sean O’ Grady, the chosen one, left his apartment for a quiet one with the lads (now…

UCC Student’s diet consists entirely YouTube Cooking Shows.

By Callum Casey   Posted in Byline Humour
Posted on April 10, 2019April 8, 2019

2nd Year Arts Student Ronan Greene has fallen on hard times. Constantly drinking and refusing to get a job has put a considerable strain on his pocket. Rather than cutting back on necessities such as cans and rollies, Ronan decided to stop buying food. “I was being boujee – plain and simple.” Ronan told the…

There’s no place like Homeville

By Anon .   Posted in Byline Humour
Posted on April 10, 2019April 8, 2019

What you’re about to read may seem like a standard humour article, but this is all one hundred percent true. If you don’t believe me, you only need look at my older articles to see I’m not funny or creative enough to come up with this shit. I will now recount the highlights of living…

Sirius Speculation

By Callum Casey   Posted in Byline Humour
Posted on March 21, 2019March 19, 2019

What’s your fate this week? Aries: You’ll accidentally tell a little white lie about yourself which will rapidly spiral out of control. As a result, you’ll become famous but for reasons of which you’re not entirely sure. Taurus: That one person you shifted in Havana’s because you felt bad for them way back when is…

Absolute Legend Still Wearing Festival Wristband

By Sarah Ryan   Posted in Byline Humour
Posted on March 21, 2019March 19, 2019

First Year Arts student and all-round gas cunt Sorcha McNally is set to become this year’s winner for Biggest Legend due to her astounding commitment to wearing her festival wristband past the point of being socially acceptable. In an exclusive interview with the UCC Express, McNally revealed that she plans to keep her now mildly…

UCC student achieves ‘Revenge Body’ in attempt to make her boyfriend sorry he left

By Callum Casey   Posted in Byline Humour
Posted on March 21, 2019March 19, 2019

After breaking up with your bea, there is a lot of temptation to cry, eat yourself into a coma and go to Havana’s with no underpants on, but there is a better way. Following many of her celebrity Idols, Marie Keene, currently in the third year of her Politics degree has gotten a ‘Revenge Body’…

Those friends who keeps ‘joking’ about going on First Dates

By Callum Casey   Posted in Byline Humour
Posted on March 21, 2019March 19, 2019

They’ve tried Tinder, Grindr, Plenty of Fish, Elite singles and Christian Mingle, but all they’re left with is a lot of nudes and that deep, aching hole inside them that can only ever be filled with the unconditional love of another human being. They fill this emptiness with the hope that, one day, they too…

Local mother still suspicious of Lady Gaga

By Callum Casey   Posted in Byline Humour
Posted on March 21, 2019March 19, 2019

“She was giving him the ‘fuck me eyes’, we all saw it!” Brenda Cronin, a Cavan native, still reeling from the saucy performance that has become the talk of the Oscars, told the Express today, “There was a reason Bradley’s girlfriend sat between them! Shocking stuff. I’m scandalised if I’m being honest.” Since watching Bradley…

Horoscopes brought to you by Sirius Speculation

By Express Staff   Posted in Byline Humour
Posted on February 25, 2019February 22, 2019

Aries: You’ll be getting rammed someday this week; make sure the left-over take-away burrito is off the bed. Taurus: You’ll have the best shit of your life on Thursday. Pity it’ll be coming out the wrong end while you’re having dinner with your supervisor. Gemini: Christ. Cancer: Your friends are leaving you this week, solely…

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