Aries: You’ll be getting rammed someday this week; make sure the left-over take-away burrito is off the bed. Taurus: You’ll have the best shit of your life on Thursday. Pity it’ll be coming out the wrong end while you’re having dinner with your supervisor. Gemini: Christ. Cancer: Your friends are leaving you this week, solely…
So this year’s capitalist holiday with your special one didn’t go as romantically as you’d have liked it to? Run out of super likes on Tinder? Is your Fleshlight not calling you back? Don’t worry, the Express has you covered! BDSM ON A BUDGET: As college students, we at The Express know you cannot afford…
Long-known to be the coldest, most self-obsessed species of the animal kingdom, it came as no surprise to anyone this week that Donald Trump has been confirmed to be a cat. Vice President Pence and many of the Trump administration have now openly admitted to knowing that the newly-elected president of the United States was,…
Early yesterday morning, newly inducted Irish president Michael D Higgins held his first press conference of the new year outside his Dublin residence. Standing on two shoeboxes so as to reach the microphone, he addressed the sea of awaiting reporters; “I have made many pledges during my campaign and I intend to keep them all,…
ENTERTAINMENT– ‘Black’ American History X favourite for best picture winner. BREAKING– 21 Savage O.B.E, held ransom by Theresa May until Brexit deal reached. CRIME– Garda too drunk to use breathalyser. TECHNOLOGY– Even Mark Zuckerberg is sick of your cringy couples’ posts. ENTERTAINMENT– Every man in Ireland with a beard cast as an extra in Vikings.
A shocking announcement was made this morning by the White House’s Press Officer. The spokesman, yes, I’m allowed say man, you SJW’s. We all know Trump doesn’t hire nor respect women who wear clothes. The announcement, written by the President himself, started off in a typical manner, “My fellow white American males, three years ago…
Kevin Spacey– God I hope so. Tom Hardy– Doctors discover that the accents he uses in his roles are not just terrible character choices, but it is in fact a rare form of Laryngeal cancer. Christian Bale- Completing another headline grabbing transformation, Bale kills himself to portray a corpse in his latest role. What a…
“I’ve never been happy with my body,” 34-year-old Catherine Keane, a Cavan native said on last night’s episode of Operation Transformation. “I kept eating and I didn’t know why. Then I realised it was because I wasn’t happy inside. Now, thanks to this show, I can finally accept myself. I suppose, deep down, I always…
“When I saw a woman gyrating towards the building blaring ‘Dancing Queen’, I was sure it was a publicity stunt for ‘Mamma Mia 3’,” says Nigel Smith, a security guard in Irish Embassy, “I never suspected she’d be in for an Irish passport.” According to our sources, the English Prime Minister has been tracing her…
BREAKING- Man dies of dehydration after taking ‘Dry January’ too literally. ENTERTAINMENT- BP Oil cast as Villain for ‘Aquaman 2’. TECHNOLOGY- Spotify to employ most annoying prick you know to make ads to force you to go premium. LIFESTYLE- UCC student still excommunicated from home after asking for ‘Vegan Christmas dinner’. CRIME- Cork dentist charged…