Fresher Apathetic About The Fifteen

A first year student has confirmed that they absolutely do not care about the ‘Fresher’s Fifteen’. In an exclusive interview with The Express, Sam Twomey, first year Arts, revealed that they truly do not give toss about the traditional college weight gain, and reportedly has no plans to start eating healthily or working out. “A…

Rare Female Enjoys Music

Hundreds of males were astonished today by a “rare sighting” of a female who actually listened to the band whose t-shirt she wore. The female, reported by enthusiasts and your mcm alike to be “extremely endangered”, was spotted this morning outside Boole 4 wearing a t-shirt for band ‘The Strokes’. She was immediately sprang upon…

Students Under Threat: Climate Change

It has been reported that in 2017, more students have been under threat from climate change than ever before. As temperatures begin to rapidly decline in these winter months, young people are complaining in their thousands that it is just too fucking cold, and many report that they have already exceed the maximum amount of…

Local Woman Wages War on Germs

A local woman has recently declared war on the vicious cold germs infecting her body. Theresa Sheehan, 29, from Shamrock Lawn, says she is prepared to take her cold-fighting strategies to the extreme if necessary. Sheehan noticed the warning signs of a cold beginning late last week, when she began to sneeze and cough at…

The Shite Vegetarian’s Guide

I’m a shite vegetarian. I’m actually not even sure if I can call myself a vegetarian – ‘tarian might be more appropriate, considering the vast majority of what I eat is frozen meat substitutes anyway (Rest in Power, Linda McCartney, you’re the only reason I’m not clinically malnourished). Basically, I am, in terms of vegetarianism,…

That Time My Cat Broke Up With Me

Break-ups are tough. They’re even worse when your significant other just ups and leaves with no explanation, as is the case with the increasingly popular method of ghosting or, with cats. Notorious for their independent, selfish ways, love them or hate them, cats give a special type of affection. I’d compare them to fuckboys, but…

The Five Stages of a Night Out

I’m no psychologist, but I did accidentally walk into a psychology lecture during freshers week so you know what? I am a psychologist (take that Freud, you dirty old perv) and today I will be speaking to you all about my stunning new theory. It’s one that I’m sure will make waves in the community,…