Aries (Mar. 21st – Apr. 19th) – The stars wish to ask you “what’s cooler than being cool?” They said “ICE COL-” Lucky lawsuit of the week: Copyright infringement. Taurus (Apr. 20th – May 20th) – It’s ball season, so remember, you may be able to hide your sneaky naggin, but you’ll never be…
It’s Ash Wednesday, but I wrote these ‘Pancake Tuesday’ so pretend it’s Tuesday and gather ‘round children and stuff yer gobs with these juicy ‘scopes (it’s what we call horoscopes now, it’s shorter, it saves time, you’ll love it). Aries (Mar. 21st – Apr. 19th) – I gaze deeply into the stars, and they tell…
Aries (Mar. 21st – Apr. 19th) – It’s valentine’s day, and for you the stars predict *drumroll* some romantic oral at the back of the 205. Lucky bus stop of the week: Donovans Road. Taurus (Apr. 20th – May 20th) – It’s valentine’s day, and for you the stars predict *drumroll* a relaxing night…
Aries (Mar. 21st – Apr. 19th) – The stars are telling me something… I can’t quite make it out… something about you being… a heckin’ cool dude. Lucky accessory of the week: Some heckin’ cool sunglasses Taurus (Apr. 20th – May 20th) – Maybe someday we’ll learn that by punching nazis, we were the…
Aries (Mar. 21st – Apr. 19th) – As Mercury is in retrograde, some bad shit is about to go down. Your sports team will lose, the sky will turn a nuclear shade of green and you’ll stub your pinky. Bummer. Lucky item of the week: Don’t bother mate, you’re already fucked, just try survive the…
Aries (Mar. 21st – Apr. 19th) – I know the stars make a lot of fascism based jokes at the expense of your sign, but they’re now desperately imploring you to ignore all that and embrace Full Communism. Lucky website of the week: The WikiHow article on how to become a Communist. Taurus (Apr 20th…
Aries (Mar. 21st – Apr. 19th) – You get a fresh new haircut this week that really matches your star sign. Is that a good thing? Consider the collective term for people of your sign and get back to me on that Lucky winter accessory of the week: A hat to hide your fresh new…
Aries (Mar. 21st – Apr. 19th) – Alright, we get it, you ironically love shit chicken: no matter how many times you call it “cheeky” it won’t wash away the sins Lucky sauce of the week: Anything but Peri Peri Taurus (Apr. 20th – May 20th) – Dude, give up the hentai. This is a…
Aries (Mar. 21st – Apr. 19th) – You’ve gotta stop shifting all around you on nights out, dude. The cold sore virus can be carried by anyone Your song of the week: Enola Gay – OMD Lucky number: √π Taurus (Apr. 20th – May 20th) – Someone you’re close to will come out unexpectedly as…
Aries (Mar. 21st – Apr. 19th) – SOMEBODY ONCE TOLD ME that Shrek was first released 15 years ago. Fucking hell. Taurus (Apr. 20th – May 20th) – If you walk backwards across the quad you’ll pass every exam you ever sit. This isn’t proven or anything, but Jupiter reckons it’s worth a shot. Gemini…