Long-known to be the coldest, most self-obsessed species of the animal kingdom, it came as no surprise to anyone this week that Donald Trump has been confirmed to be a cat. Vice President Pence and many of the Trump administration have now openly admitted to knowing that the newly-elected president of the United States was,…
A young Blackrock couple are eagerly awaiting the arrival of their first sourdough starter. Louise and Mark O’Gorman, both 28, say they simply cannot wait for the arrival of their yeasty addition. “I’ve always wanted to have some bread to call my own,” says Louise. “Ever since I heard our other smug couple friends bragging…
An international student has been voted Best Dressed at their 9am lecture. Hana Amori, 20, from the Doshisha University in Kyoto, received the award after showing up to her early morning Psychology lecture in a designer skirt, a ‘nice top’ and heeled boots- all after a full night of drinking and everything. Amori was even…
The Gardaí have reported that pint glass theft is now at an all-time high. Threat levels were raised to level Rebel Red in response to the recent surge in pint glass pilfering. Sergeant Murphy, of the Banter Buster Unit located near Bridewell Garda Station, had this to say: “I am sick of all you little…
A first year student has confirmed that they absolutely do not care about the ‘Fresher’s Fifteen’. In an exclusive interview with The Express, Sam Twomey, first year Arts, revealed that they truly do not give toss about the traditional college weight gain, and reportedly has no plans to start eating healthily or working out. “A…
Hundreds of males were astonished today by a “rare sighting” of a female who actually listened to the band whose t-shirt she wore. The female, reported by enthusiasts and your mcm alike to be “extremely endangered”, was spotted this morning outside Boole 4 wearing a t-shirt for band ‘The Strokes’. She was immediately sprang upon…
It has been reported that in 2017, more students have been under threat from climate change than ever before. As temperatures begin to rapidly decline in these winter months, young people are complaining in their thousands that it is just too fucking cold, and many report that they have already exceed the maximum amount of…
A local woman has recently declared war on the vicious cold germs infecting her body. Theresa Sheehan, 29, from Shamrock Lawn, says she is prepared to take her cold-fighting strategies to the extreme if necessary. Sheehan noticed the warning signs of a cold beginning late last week, when she began to sneeze and cough at…
I’m a shite vegetarian. I’m actually not even sure if I can call myself a vegetarian – ‘tarian might be more appropriate, considering the vast majority of what I eat is frozen meat substitutes anyway (Rest in Power, Linda McCartney, you’re the only reason I’m not clinically malnourished). Basically, I am, in terms of vegetarianism,…
First Year Arts student and all round ‘gas cunt’ Sorcha McNally is set to become this year’s winner for Biggest Legend due to her astounding commitment to wearing her festival wristband past the point of being socially acceptable. In an exclusive interview with the Express, McNally revealed that she plans to keep her now mildly…