Writer Evan Lynch
A comprehensive and scientific questionnaire intended to aid men in figuring out whether they are, in-fact, the problem.
- You and your friends are approaching the nightclub you plan to attend; however, your glass drinks receptacle is not yet empty. What do you do?
- Chug the drink as quickly as your oesophagus will allow before publicly smashing the glass, thus establishing dominance within the group and demonstrating physical prowess to any and all potential sexual partners.
- Throw the drink in the nearest bin, making a mental note to improve time management for future reference.
- Share the remainder of the drink evenly amongst your group and seek out the nearest glass recycling depot, taking this time to plan and practise the speech about the eco-Marxist revolution which you will inevitably deliver later in the night.
- Most of your group have made it past the bouncers and have followed the scent of Jaeger and sweat towards the dancefloor of the nightclub, however one of the women in your group hasn’t been admitted on account of a drastic haircut since taking her ID photo. What do you do?
- Follow the group into the jaws of the nightclub, leaving your now ex-friend alone, drunk and vulnerable in the chaos of the street, leaving her only a text that reads “text me when ur home” to defend herself.
- Wait with her and try to convince the bouncer that she didn’t always have a fringe, walking her to a taxi office or nearby pub to find another group of friends if the man is not convinced.
- Round up your entire friend group to stage a dramatic storming out of the venue, having each member inform the bouncer in question to expect a harshly worded email.
- You’re finally dancing with the girl you’ve been hoping to shift all night. She looks great, her dress is brand new from Zara and her glittery eye shadow is glowing. You decide to make your move.
- Tell her she’s a ride and blame her when that doesn’t work. Dance intrusively close to her so she has essentially no choice but to touch off you, and then choose to perceive this as flirty behaviour. Unexpectedly lunge for her face in a Shock-and-Awe style courting technique. When she dodges your initial advance, incessantly repeat the same motions over and over until she outright flees to a safe distance from your drunken slobber. Alternatively, just call her names and make her self-conscious for not automatically wanting to kiss you. If this doesn’t make her want you, it will at least make her cry which is apparently also a win for you.
- Tell her how good she looks. Tell her that you want to kiss her. When she says no, accept that she’s just vibing on the dancefloor and let her do her own thing. Appreciate her friendship if it is offered.
- Never build up the courage to say anything to her but become her good friend instead. Eventually forget that you ever had romantic designs and enjoy your healthy platonic friendship.
- You’re on the way to the toilet for a much-needed pit stop when you spot a woman leaning against the wall blinking at the bright phone screen in her hand. She is clearly drunk and attempting to contact her friends. What do you do?
- Use her inebriation as an opportunity. Lean in suddenly and apply your clunky, barren charm. Push yourself into her and kiss her before her alcohol addled reflexes have the chance to intervene. Now that you’ve successfully sexually assaulted her, you can gloat to your friends about your sexual excellence, while insisting that your streak will go unbroken till the end of time and that you are a low-level deity.
- Ask her if she’s okay, whether she needs a hand finding her friends or if she wants a glass of water. Recognising that she’s vulnerable, respect that she may not want your help and notify a member of staff if you’re concerned for her safety.
- Ask for her name and proceed to ask every other soul in the nightclub if they know Lauren from pre-med. When the friend-group is found, chastise each member individually for not taking care of such a gem, to whom you’ve now developed a parental-like affection.
- Look! One of your friends has gotten the shift! He’s sitting in a booth next to the dancefloor with his beautiful and completely consenting kissing companion. We love to see it. However, things appear to be developing at an alarming pace and graphic scenes may follow. Do you?
- Absolutely use this opportunity to increase your digital profile. Record and instantly publish a shaky video of the couple’s blossoming sexual endeavours onto the internet for all who follow you to see. Don’t worry about whether either party are comfortable with this, as he’s a good mate and you know he’ll see the funny side.
- Ignore their pawing and simply enjoy your bop on the dancefloor, keeping a subtle eye out for any behaviour which might get them thrown out/impregnated/imprisoned.
- Observe from a safe distance so as not to disturb them. You allow a bashful smile to spread across you face as you shake your head slowly and mutter “you’ve done it again, kid”. If you wish to capture the moment, make a quick sketch on a nearby napkin and slip it into your friend’s pocket as you pass by. He knows that he has your undying support.
- You notice that a woman you have been chatting to in the smoking area all night has brushed off your hand numerous times and has made several seconds of full-on eye-contact at a time. By God I think you’re on to something. She leans in and asks you back to her house, what do you do?
- Say yes without a moment’s consideration because, let’s face it, it doesn’t happen to you every-day and that dry-spell you’ve been joking about for the last while is secretly twice as long as you claim it is. Leave without informing any of your friends where you’re going and follow her to her house. Get straight to business once you’re indoors, paying little-to-no attention to what she’s telling you she wants. What would she know anyway? You’re the sexpert here. Once you’ve delivered your own goods, either fall directly to sleep or else re-clothe yourself and go home. When she tries to contact you a few days later, ghost her entirely and tell your friends it was bad sex because she was weird and probably a virgin anyway. This will almost definitely deflect their attention away from the fact that you had zero interest in her as a sexual partner and lasted four minutes in missionary with your jocks still around your ankles. Job done.
- Make sure that you are positive that you want to go back to hers before accepting. Send your mate a text letting him know what’s up (he won’t see it until the club closes anyway because he’s in that booth for the long-haul), before walking with her back to her house. You take the time to learn a bit about her on the way in the hope that this will open and lubricate the channels of communication between you. Listen to every god-damn thing she says and be as generous as you’re physically able. If/when you end up at the finish-line a little prematurely do not assume that the entire encounter is finished, you’re only human (and you’ve got a tongue for a reason). If you enjoyed yourself, keep in touch and thank her for the experience. If not, explain that you’re not too interested in continuing anything and thank her anyway. That’s just common courtesy.
- Panic and explain that you can’t because you have a non-existent partner and that you must get home tonight anyway to check up on your non-existent Jack-Russel because he gets anxious when you leave the house for too long. When she asks for your number, give her the number of a nearby sushi restaurant (the only number you know by heart, including your own). Go home as soon as you’ve lost her in the crowd of the nightclub and spend the night peering through your bedroom blinds. Never return to that night-club again.
If you have answered (a) to any of these questions, give yourself a long look in the mirror and call your mother and apologise.