History was made last week in Cairo, Egypt, where the long-standing dream of Republicans all around the island finally came true.
While on a diplomatic mission to the northern African state, a prominent politician stumbled upon the long-lost 6 counties of Ulster. The discovery was made following a series of daring capers & escapades deemed too exciting for Dáil records; however, this publication was able to get exclusive rights to the story.
It all began when an intern discovered a map on the back of the 1916 Proclamation. Though this was initially thought to be a way for Bertie Ahern to find his way home from the Dáil bar after getting drunk off his tits on Bass, and then a map to Dev’s gold, these theories were disproven when it became clear that it led out of Ireland.
The first stumbling block came when the hot air balloon carrying our brave adventurer crashed over London, landing him in the middle of Buckingham Palace. Having been seduced by sultry vixen Queen Elizabeth II, he fled to France on the back of a charity Channel swimmer. From there, getting to the North African country was easy, having solved the Israel-Palestine conflict on the way. The second stumbling block happened when, faced with a group of assassins, our fearless hero discovered his armalite had been stolen, and was forced to defeat them all with nothing but a ballot box…and another armalite he had hidden in the ballot box. Nothing would now stand between him and his prize hidden within the temple of the god Imhotep Ra… or so he had thought.
Our hero moved closer and closer to the end of the Proclamation’s map, deeper and deeper into the Imhotep Ra temple. As he moved up the passageway of Ra, he heard voices in the distance; dismissing it, he continued until he reached the throne-room, in which stood a great golden box. Cracking open the lid, he found the barrel of the gun placed upon his temple, and betrayal washed over him: his lover, Queen Elizabeth II, had betrayed him after their tryst, making a copy of the map. They knocked our adventurer out, and opened the box, only to have their faces melted brutally off.
Following this ordeal, after discovering the bodies of his enemies and realising there would be no need for him if the 6 counties were recovered, our hero left the Imhotep Ra temple & returned home empty handed. Speaking at a recent public press conference, Mr.Adams claimed that he had never been in the IRA and that he still believes a 32 county Ireland is something to stride for.